Delight: A Relationship Superpower
I stumbled upon a brief post on LinkedIn the other day. Tom Stanfill of ASLAN Training was sharing about he and his wife’s 40th anniversary and one of their keys to a rich marriage. It was so good that I asked for his permission to share it here. Read on…..
My wife and I just recently celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. If you know me, you understand that’s no small feat…for my wife.
While dining at one of our favorite restaurants, the waitress asked a sincere but tough question: “What’s the secret?”
I’m not sure what I said in the moment, but I’ve been chewing on that question for several days. Why are we still together, still date, hold hands, and embarrass our children?
As I considered that question for several days, I discovered characteristic that isn’t included in the typical answers couple offer.
I realized, as if seeing it for the first time, something that my wife does, almost without fail.
It’s a simple gesture that makes me want to come home every day.
Her face lights up, eyes sparkle, a huge smile appears, as if to say this is the best moment of her day. Even though I don’t deserve it, even though I’ve done the thing she’s asked me not to do…again. Even though I’ve walked in the room over 14,000 times, she still greets me like it was the Summer of 1982.
This realization motivated me to think about my reaction. How do I respond to the people I care about when they “walk into a room?”
There are only four options.
We either tolerate them – they don’t quite measure up, they need to “fixed”, or they just don’t deserve our full attention – we’ve got bigger problems to solve.
Or we can just flat out ignore them. We tune out, most likely unconsciously, not to mentally show up.
Maybe the worst option is disdain. We send the signal that we clearly don’t like or approve of who they are. The message here is clear, they don’t measure up.
Lastly, there is my wife’s brilliant response: delight.
When I walk in the door, 99% of the time, I’m greeted with a large, warm smile. I don’t deserve it. It clearly has very little to do with my looks or what I do for her. She chooses to make a statement when I enter her presence. She makes me feel like it’s the best thing that has happened all day.
Whether it’s a child walking in the door from school, meeting a friend for lunch, connecting with a customer or team member on Zoom, or seeing your spouse at the end of the day, our response sends a message.
Compelling people (check out John Neffinger’s book) are both warm and strong. Most of us focus on the being strong but relationship and influence start with being warm.
I’m not referring to your agenda or our demeanor when having a serious conversation. I’m simply honing in on the message we send when the most important people in our lives enter a “room”.
Think about your reaction today. When your children, spouse, customer, or team member walk into the room, how do you make them feel?
You only have four options.